True Life Scruples (Or, Therapy for Big Bird)
My parents divorced when I was a newborn and dad remarried his grilfriend, who had 3 kids of her own, and legally adopted her children. Growing up, I would see my dad a few times a year - always on Christmas and usually around my birthday. Maybe a couple other times. We were never close, tho we never had a hostile relationship. He just wasn't involved much at all in my upbringing. I saw him a bit more as an adult, but still not all the time.
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Melicious ~yay! it's Friday~ on -
I think you need to do what's right for you and Ni, and what feels right. If you don't want to do it, then don't.
If it were me, it wouldn't be much skin off my back to make an old man happy and get some good karma, but that's me, and to be honest I've never had a situation like this, but my sister had. Her sperm donor contacted her a couple years after our dad died. She is slowly rebuilding her relationship with him, with the understanding that they can possibly be friends, and he may be her father but he will NEVER be her dad.
I guess I think that it's never to late to get to know one another and rebuild something, even if it isn't a father daughter bond. But don't go against your will, that's no beuno either.
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Permalink Reply by Autumn to Winter on -
I'm in a similar situation for years now. We have separate gatherings. My Dad is 88 now and can't emotionally handle too many visitors at a time anyway. So I get together with some siblings for holiday cheer but we all visit Dad separately as to not alienate him or leave him alone but to include him on a smaller scale which is better than nothing. I may only spend 45 minutes at his house for a visit no dinner or party stuff. Just another perspective.
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Permalink Reply by Maria on -
BB I can understand your feelings but in the grand scheme of things would it really be so hard to give him this day? He probably doesn't deserve it, and you may not get anything out of it but what good is taking a stand against this going to do? That being said I would let your dad know that after this he is welcome to visit you guys on holidays but they will be celebrated the way you always have.
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Permalink Reply by Big Bird on -
I am surprised at how bitter I am about it b/c I feel like he made his choice of who he wanted as family when he left. Now, 40 ish years later it's not working out so well for him, so I'm supposed to welcome him back? It just p*sses me off that now I'm the bad guy. My dad tells my sis he doesn't know what he ever did to me. Ugh. I don't wanna get in his face or tell him to go to H or anything. I just want him to leave me alone and I'll give him a call on the holidays and go over on Christams eve - just like I have always done, but I am waaay to bitter to have him at the head of teh table for holiday meals. Seriously, do I need to suck it up? Am I really a B?
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Permalink Reply by Melicious ~yay! it's Friday~ on
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no you are not a B. You have every right to be pissed, and for him to act like he doesn't know why is quite frankly silliness and denial. I would think that he owes you an apology, and if you are not comfortable doing this, then you shouldn't/.
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Permalink Reply by Maria on
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Of course you are bitter. This man who was your dad chose another family over yours. No matter how many years go by or what has happened since then I am sure it still is so painful. But you are talking about one day, one dinner. Don't make it more than that.
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Permalink Reply by Melicious ~yay! it's Friday~ on
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I don't know Maria. I think it is more than one day, one dinner. This is an important Holiday to BB, one of her favorites and for him to act like nothing has ever happened is wrong, he should acknowledge the elephant in the room, rather than trying to ignore and pretend everything is just cheery.
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Permalink Reply by Maria on
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I guess you're right. I don't have any point of reference here so my opinion isn't that firm. I was just thinking of dads in general. BB I'm sorry. You should definitely do what feels right for you. He made choices and now he has to live with them.
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Permalink Reply by Autumn to Winter on
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I agree with Maria and it doesn't even have to be a dinner, just pay him a visit to take the edge off of everyone. Unfortunately we only get one Dad, mine was never there for us but to follow the golden rule - we are there for him despite him not having been there for us. What can you do?
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Permalink Reply by Vivian on -
I think I have to agree with Mel on this one too. It sounds like he had ample opportunities to make it more than one day, one dinner as BB was growing up. He chose not too take advantage of those opportunities. I think BB should do what's best for her and her family now.
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Permalink Reply by Big Bird on
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This man who was your dad chose another family over yours.
Oh Maria - you summed up how I felt my whole childhood. :-( But I got over it and now? I think it's just too late.
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