True Life Scruples (Or, Therapy for Big Bird)
My parents divorced when I was a newborn and dad remarried his grilfriend, who had 3 kids of her own, and legally adopted her children. Growing up, I would see my dad a few times a year - always on Christmas and usually around my birthday. Maybe a couple other times. We were never close, tho we never had a hostile relationship. He just wasn't involved much at all in my upbringing. I saw him a bit more as an adult, but still not all the time.
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Big Bird on -
@AB: I love her, but my sis is a complete suck up.
My dad told her that she's the only one who ever calls him, so when he dies it's all hers. I told her that was exactly the mentality that made me NOT want to call him b/c he acts like he can buy love. I don't want anything from him. I'm just gonna have to embrace my B label and try to take a stand and stop this crap.
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Permalink Reply by Deliciously Melicious on -
so then you will be a triple B? BBB?
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Permalink Reply by Deliciously Melicious on
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word sistah!
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Permalink Reply by Suewin on -
Oh wow, he said that?!
OK I'm gonna flip flop like Maria....
screw him!
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Permalink Reply by Maria on -
BB you should have said that in the very beginning! What a terrible thing to throw in someone's face.
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Permalink Reply by Aunt Baa Baa Bob on -
go for it!
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Permalink Reply by Big Bird on
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All of your input has been so therapeutic and has made me really think about how I feel and try to put it into words. As far as having him over for Thanksgiving at my house - well, I'm not really comfortable with that either. A HUGE part of my whole emotional dilemma is that for my whole life my reality was that my mom was the head of my family - and that meant holidays revolved around her. Me, sis, nieces and nephews etc. always celebrated holidays w/ my mom and dad and Step mom were never included. Now that mom is gone I really do miss her like crazy especially during the holidays (even tho it's been over 5 years). Holidays are kind of difficult for me. I want my family traditions to continue as they always have, albeit w/out my mom there. To suddenly be expected to include dad and SM in what used to be mom's place is not something I want to do. When we have a holiday dinner at my sis or niece's house they do invite my dad and I go and it's okay - even tho dad & SM always seem a little bit like outsiders to me. But when I host it at my house I prefer to have just my usual family and dad can drop by later if he wants (or I'll go by his house at some point in the day), but he's not a part of the whole holiday family experience to me. Now, my sis seems to be giving him the power to determine the holiday plans and that is what pisses me off. I feel like I'm geting screwed out of my desired family experience (yet again) by him. I guess if I am honest what I want is for him to stay in his "place" in my life - a place he chose to be all those years ago. And yeah, I do have to admit that I feel like no one is being loyal to my mom's memory but me and I know that is selfish on my part. I woudl be so happy if they woudl just do what they want - with dad even - only let me graciously decline to participate w/out making a huge deal out of it. Is that too much to ask? LOL!
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Permalink Reply by Autumn ready for Summer!!! on -
ya know ever since my Mom died in 1983 our holidays have been ripped apart, it's like she was the glue holding everyone together. It really is a very hard adjustment for everyone even 26 years later. I really think I feel your pain, sadness and/or aggravation.
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Permalink Reply by Kayla on -
i will start this off by saying i am very cynical when it comes to stuff like this do to my own experiences so you might want to ignore my advice lol....bb i do not thing you should change your lifestyle to accommodate your father now...you have built your own life and have your own traditions..its not your fault that now he wants a stronger relationship...the only thing you really need to think about is will it bother you later on..will you regret not spending more time with him...if you think it will then you might need to reconsider things but if you are fine with the way things are then you should not change your life...if you are happy with the way things are then let them stay that way..your sis can do her own thing...dont let her push you into anything..and def do not let her or your father make you feel guilty
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Permalink Reply by ALLAN on -
Could be that his making that statement is a last ditch effort to see what is your motivation. Or rather, not understanding BB's motivation or value sets, an effort to show how important it is to him that she spend time with him before he finishes.
On the surface it is a cold and extremely shallow thing to say. But what do we really know of this guy? Perhaps leaving everything is a cherished heirloom which he feels should only go to a child that he thinks will take care of it? Or a frustrated old man trying to reach a long estranged big bird that isn't coming around enough.
Did he say this in anger? I'd hate to blame someone for something they say while angry, but at the same time it's these pristine moments that define who we are.
BB needs to walk up to him and tell him, no holds barred, what exactly she feels and why she feels that way. It should be just the two of them, for the presence of either the step mom or sister might provide a distraction or worse another element that will wage against her rather than remain either neutral or be on her side. Don't leave it to an email or note, make it personal and face to face.
All that being said I doubt that he will ever again be able to travel back in time and forge those bonds that will give you the 'warm fuzzy' when he's around. Too much time, too many decisions and too much hurt feelings lie across that chasm that exists between the two of you.
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Permalink Reply by ALLAN on
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Gonna tell you a secret on the low down *arms crossed, looking cool*.
While I was a kid in FL I had a daughter... well, I mean I didn't my ex girlfriend did... but it was my daughter that she had. Anyway, I was a kid and I wasn't around like I should have been (see how I make excuses right from the get go?) and as a result by the time I left FL she was about two years old and almost a stranger. About the time she was five I dropped back into her life and I remember her being a very happy and clingy (she wanted to be close to me) child. Of course I had my son by now and had to carry him the majority of the time (see, yet another excuse). When I took her home to her grandmother's house she cried non-stop. She didn't want me to leave.
I spent the next couple of years communicating with her via telephone. About once a month or so, maybe four or five times a year.. then I went to Korea and dropped off the radar completely. Never got back in touch with her, and I chalked it up to her grandmother's last words to me. "Either you stay in her life, or you stay out of it!" I chose the latter because it was easier and I felt it was better for her (another excuse).
While I was in Iraq my wife managed to get in touch with her to link the two of us together. It was then that I learned she was very resentful of my other daughters, particularly the younger one who was closer to her age... and who, IMO, took her rightful place as my daughter. It was then that enormity of what I had done struck me... so much that I would wince each time it struck. I done to my own daughter what my grand father had done to my mother. I did what I could to remedy a life time of neglect to no avail. She was already 19 and not interested in what or who I was. The only time she made an effort to get to know me or get in touch with me was when she needed me to buy her a car.
I really made a bad choice that I wasn't able to reverse by the time I realized how big a mistake it was. I feel guilty as hell about it. I'm only 40 so I haven't hit that 70 year itch yet, and as such I leave her be as much as I am able to. I don't think she will ever want to get to know who I am, and as much as I would like to get to know her... she just doesn't seem interested in doing that.
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