True Life Scruples (Or, Therapy for Big Bird)
My parents divorced when I was a newborn and dad remarried his grilfriend, who had 3 kids of her own, and legally adopted her children. Growing up, I would see my dad a few times a year - always on Christmas and usually around my birthday. Maybe a couple other times. We were never close, tho we never had a hostile relationship. He just wasn't involved much at all in my upbringing. I saw him a bit more as an adult, but still not all the time.
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Now, I am in my 40s and dad & step mom are not speaking to her 3 kids. They & the kids have been on the outs for several years now. Increasingly, since my mom died a few years ago, my dad has been trying to have a bigger role in my life - like he wants all the holidays to be spent w/ him & step mom etc...
My position is that I never did spend holidays w/ him, nor spend much time at all. I had "my" family (mom, sis etc...) and he had his (step mom, step kids etc...) I feel like now that he is old (80-ish) and perhaps guilty, he wants us to have some sort of father daughter bond that just isn't there for me. I want to continue to have holidays w/ my sis, niece, nephews as I always have, but my sis feels we should do it all w/ dad b/c he's old and lonely. (FWIW, she is much older than me and was 15 when they divorced, so she & dad have a much different relationship). Am I a horrible person for not wanting to change my holiday traditions to include warm fuzzy feelings for a dad whom I'm not feeling it for? This year he wants to take us all out for Tgiving dinner and I'm being called a B b/c I don't wanna go. Advice?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Molly on -
Very articulate Allan...I think the gist of her issues is the uncomfortableness around Dad and SM especially on holidays...I can understand exactly where she is coming from...the awkwardness of it and then feeling mad b/c of those feelings like why the hell should I feel like this on a holiday...it's supposed to be happy times...ya know, after reading all of these posts, I've changed my opinion about what she should do...
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Permalink Reply by ALLAN on -
Gonna tell you a secret on the low down *arms crossed, looking cool*.
While I was a kid in FL I had a daughter... well, I mean I didn't my ex girlfriend did... but it was my daughter that she had. Anyway, I was a kid and I wasn't around like I should have been (see how I make excuses right from the get go?) and as a result by the time I left FL she was about two years old and almost a stranger. About the time she was five I dropped back into her life and I remember her being a very happy and clingy (she wanted to be close to me) child. Of course I had my son by now and had to carry him the majority of the time (see, yet another excuse). When I took her home to her grandmother's house she cried non-stop. She didn't want me to leave.
I spent the next couple of years communicating with her via telephone. About once a month or so, maybe four or five times a year.. then I went to Korea and dropped off the radar completely. Never got back in touch with her, and I chalked it up to her grandmother's last words to me. "Either you stay in her life, or you stay out of it!" I chose the latter because it was easier and I felt it was better for her (another excuse).
While I was in Iraq my wife managed to get in touch with her to link the two of us together. It was then that I learned she was very resentful of my other daughters, particularly the younger one who was closer to her age... and who, IMO, took her rightful place as my daughter. It was then that enormity of what I had done struck me... so much that I would wince each time it struck. I done to my own daughter what my grand father had done to my mother. I did what I could to remedy a life time of neglect to no avail. She was already 19 and not interested in what or who I was. The only time she made an effort to get to know me or get in touch with me was when she needed me to buy her a car.
I really made a bad choice that I wasn't able to reverse by the time I realized how big a mistake it was. I feel guilty as hell about it. I'm only 40 so I haven't hit that 70 year itch yet, and as such I leave her be as much as I am able to. I don't think she will ever want to get to know who I am, and as much as I would like to get to know her... she just doesn't seem interested in doing that.
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Permalink Reply by Molly on
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That's so sad...I guess in the end, everybody has regrets...have you ever told your daughter how you feel? It might not do any good b/c you can never get back the years lost but at least she will know that you love her and realize you made some terrible mistakes...I think an explanation might help her deal with it...my Mom revealed something to me a few weeks ago...she said when my Dad had us at his apartment for the weekend when we were little (I was maybe 3) she called there and my sister told her he wasn't there but down the breezeway at his girlfriends apt. My Mom said she got in her car, drove to his apartment, went to the girlfriends and chewed him a new @$$hole for leaving us by ourselves...she said that was the last weekend he ever had us...she would only allow him to have us on Sundays after that but never overnight....I never knew that! I always wondered why he didn't spend more time with us and that's one of the reasons...btw, kudos to your wife for doing that for your daughter and you...she must be a really great woman...
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Permalink Reply by ALLAN on
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No, not really.
See, in order to really love someone you have to step out and over that comfort zone and really put your heart on your sleeve. You have to make yourself extremely vulnerable. It's easy when you're with your kids from day one up. And with your significant other you're motivated by much more than just feelings *nudge nudge wink wink*.
I guess to tell you the truth either I'm too much of a coward to do that or... well, no I think that's it. It's so much easier to just try to forget what you've done than to start that up hill battle of regaining trust. I did try to call while in PC, even left a message with a call back number. No dice.
Wait a minute, this is about BB. I think what I really wanted to do was kind of get into his shoes for a minute while remaining sympathetic to your woes.
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Permalink Reply by Molly on
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Maybe one day she'll realize that you never meant to hurt her...you just made some bad decisions that affected her life. Have a good evening Allan :o)
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Permalink Reply by Big Bird on -
I love that this thread has encouraged people to talk about these things! And Allan, I don't know you, but based on what you have said here you are nothing like my dad. And I truly hope you do make sure your daughter knows your feelings. I cannot begin to express what kind of peace that might bring to her to know it wasnt about "her" but about your own immaturity/fear etc. As it is she likely sees it only as a rejection and is resentful & bitter. I am an intelligent adult, but I still very much feel a "why did you pick them to be their daddy and not me" kind of mentality. I know it's not my fault, but to hear my dad express that - or hell, even acknowledge my feelings about it - would be an incredible gift.
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Permalink Reply by ALLAN on
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Bb, thanks for the advice. I've tried this approach and had hoped to see her while in pc but that went unanswered. I've noticed that she is very cynical and a bit jaded when she and I talk. I think a few more years have to pass before we can have a heart to heart.
Enough about me, did you talk to your old man? On blkbrry and too lazy to see what I missed. ;-)
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Permalink Reply by Melicious ~yay! it's Friday~ on -
Allan ~
You sound like my sister'ssperm donorfather. He didn't reach out to her until after our dad died, My sister was probably about 36 when he finally did. At first she was resentful, and sometimes she still is (like when his wife calls to remind her to call on father's day) but they are getting to know each other. Starting to heal old wounds,and becoming friends. It's a slow process.. but it's a start.
If this is something you want, you shouldn't give up. But yes, you have to man up, suck it in and take it.
Good luck!
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Permalink Reply by Melicious ~yay! it's Friday~ on
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*hugs*
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