Jenna’s Blog: Dealing with loss
I might have no choice but to procreate if I want my genetic line to continue. I realized this yesterday after learning some seriously unfortunate news about my grandpa. He has been battling cancer on and off for the past couple of years but it has come back. After being told one week ago that he only had about 6 months to live, things took a turn for the worse and now he might have a week or 2. Hospice has been called in and I, being the horrible grandchild that I am, have yet to go see him. I only learned this news over the weekend, but something is wrong with me. I think I’m headed back in that direction of being emotionally numb and unfeeling. I’ve been lucky enough to have never had a close relative pass in my life, but it’s also because I hardly have any relatives at all. I’m a only child, my mom’s estranged sister only had one kid who we never see and since my parents got divorced 6 years ago, I never see my dad’s family. It really is just my mom and I and now, she’s losing it and so is my grandma so I’m seriously concerned about myself by the time I’m 50. I need to either marry into a big family or pop some kids of my own out because I will be totally alone and that might be my biggest fear in life.
I feel like I’m procrastinating going to see my grandpa because without a doubt it’s going to be incredibly sad and I have no idea how to comfort or where to even being a conversation. It’s bizarre because I have seen people near death in the hospital but it’s always been someone I’m not all that close to. Maybe a Kidd’s Kid I met on a trip, or a co-worker. It’s almost easier to visit in that situation because nothing is expected of me. I don’t know what is expected of me in this situation. Do I speak at a funeral? Do I offer to help arrange it? Why am I already focusing on those things when he’s still living? I just don’t know how to handle death. Why haven’t I cried? I have cried more in the last year that I’ve cried in my whole life, is it possible that I’m just all cried out? Trying to help my mom out this past year has made me more adult that I want to be. I feel like I have all this fake strength. I am strong in the face of personal drama and even tragedy but alone I have a complete meltdown. I know that this is how life goes, but I feel like my mom and grandma are just not in a place to handle it. My grandma may have to move into a facility and then my mom will grieve over the guilt of that. I am concerned about how stoic I am.
I also feel more guilty that ever because in these past few months since we started this TV show, I have been a really bad family member. I used to visit my half-siblings at least once or twice a month and I would go sit and eat or just hang out with my grandparents about that much as well. Since I got all depressed this past summer, I just went into this hole. I still haven’t taken the kids their Christmas presents. I haven’t seen my grandparents in months either. Now, this happens and I have one week to spend time with my grandpa, after basically abandoning all of the little family I do have because I have been so self-absorbed with my own problems. I take full responsibility for it all because I made an decision to start putting my own emotional and physical needs first.
I’ve been so busy working on myself that I haven’t had the emotional capacity to deal with anything else. I don’t know how to approach this. Just go and spend time? I know he’s angry with me for not spending as much time. I also know that I subconsciously started pushing friends and family away in recent months in an effort to feel less hurt by things if they go awry. I can’t get over the horrible mentality of, the more distant you are from someone, the less invested you will be if something bad happens. Maybe it’s a broken heart, maybe it’s a break in trust, maybe they constantly disappoint, or in the worst case scenario, they won’t be here anymore. It must be an only child of divorced parents thing. Fear of abandonment leading to me not wanting to let anyone in, and pushing away those who I’ve let it. It’s a terrible way to be but I can’t think of any other way. I cry too much when I let myself feel things. Okay, I’m going to put my thoughts aside for the next week and focus on what time I have left with what family I have left. Sorry for the really, really depressing blog. UGH.