These are the kind of days I dread going to work. It’s midnight, I’m exhausted, but my heart is wide awake because it’s just been shattered into a million pieces. A job that requires you to be “ON” everyday can be quite brutal when the light in your personal life is turned off. I often refrain from divulging too much about the painful things in my life to an audience of strangers, but I just feel like the only way for me to grieve this time is through putting it out there. I have a tendency to introvert completely when I am dealing with serious pain and I don’t like that about myself. It hasn’t been healthy in the past. I also don’t want to be the girl b****ing about her love life because no one cares as much about it as I do. But the reality is, I am not doing ok, so I’m going to be candid about it.
My relationship ended tonight. I would never speak poorly about someone I care so deeply about mainly because I don’t think I possess whatever immature gene it is that causes people to do that. Sparing the roller coaster of details, I’m just going to leave this one at this: It just wasn’t working. I am just destroyed about the whole thing. Mainly because I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about this person. I know love. I’ve been in love before. This was just that kind of chick flick Notebook style bullshit that I never thought existed. I am cynical when it comes to love. So what happens when you finally experience those kind of unparalleled emotions and you come to the realization that your person isn’t capable of reciprocating? There’s glimpses of it and I know it’s there. Why else would I hold on to something for 2.5 years? Could I just be THAT crazy? How is it possible for someone to share those same sentiments, but then pull back and throw a wall up…again and again. I can’t wrap my head around the light switch theory. I know feelings come and go, but feelings don’t flicker do they? Whenever my person tells me he can’t imagine his life without me but then slowly pulls back and tell me he’s incapable of feelings I feel like the floor drops out from beneath my feet. I don’t feel the same pain as last time. I feel shattered nonetheless. I hear incapable and I interpret that as not willing because you just don’t care enough. It makes me feel so utterly disposable.
I know what you’re thinking. Jenna, you will be better off in the long run. Okay, maybe so. That’s not the issue. It’s how can someone want to be your person, then repeatedly tell you their feelings changed. What is so wrong with me that I allow this person to come into my life and then watch me leave and only come back when he thinks I’m not in love with him anymore? I don’t know why someone, mainly me, thinks this is what I deserve. Something is hella off with my self-worth.
Don’t get me wrong. When things were great, I’ve never been happier. That is mainly why it’s so hard to understand. This person is wonderful in so many ways. I don’t like bad people. I definitely have more respect for myself than that. That’s why it’s time to let go of something I genuinely wanted to work. I don’t think I’ve ever had to walk away from something I wanted so badly. Why does someone only seem to want me when I’m gone? But when I’m genuine and loyal and 100 percent in, they don’t want me anymore? I am fine with relationships running their course. I know I put in 100 percent of everything I have. I just wish I had been worth 100 percent to him. Why do some people throw in the towel when things get rough and some of us try harder? I just know that if I genuinely and passionately care about something, I don’t throw it away. Maybe that’s the wrong way to go about things and I’ve been spending too much time on someone who will never be willing to let their guard down and fall in love. I am normally not that girl who wants a “reason” for a relationship ending. It’s just that after 2.5 years of my investment, I want some sort of explanation as to how someone can feel so strongly one day and then they feelings go away. Then they feel so strongly this time around, and just as you’re starting to trust them again, they say they’re not ready. You can’t help but take some of the blame when this happens. I suppose it would just make me feel some sense of peace to know that he’s doing this out of fear, not that he just doesn’t care enough to try.
Does anyone have some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment to give me. If I could erase all the memories I would.