It's My Decision, So Why Do I Feel So Terrible?

What's wrong with having only one child? When we told my in laws that we were perfectly happy with our beautiful smart, ONLY daughter, you would have thought I told them we were moving to a foreign country and no airline could reach us. I truly understand that children are a blessing. Hey! I wanted one for the last 10 years. I said time and again---I just want to be a parent. When the good Lord decided to bless me with the most amazing husband ever I thought there was no way it could get better. Then six weeks later, I was pregnant, and blissfully happy. I went through nearly ever rough thing you can experience during pregnancy. Morning sickness through the 8th month, swelling, then complete bedrest. But I would do it again in a second, because my daughter is so amazing. I even took "the steps" to begin planning another baby, and when I was on my way back from the gynecologist, I had the moment of clarity and realized why I was dragging my feet.

I don't feel anything is missing in my life anymore like I did before becoming a parent. Although my heart would expand and I would love a second child, I don't feel the need to actually PLAN the second child. Unfortunately, I am nearing 40 so I don't have a lot of time to ride the fence. Having a child late in life creates a lot of risks for both of us.

I ask myself...will my daughter miss out having a sibling? I enjoyed my relationship with my sister, but my husband said he didn't have the same with his. Having a sibling is no guarantee they will be friends anyway. The only kids I know make friends easier and are more outgoing, which is something I never was as a kid because I had my sister. I also tell myself that financially my daughter will have opportunities that I never did.

But I guess the most selfish reason is that I really just want to enjoy the time with my husband and daughter without the strain of having another pregnancy and another baby at 40. I also feel it would put a huge strain on our relationship and possibly the one with my daughter. I feel like having a child mostly to create a playmate--even though I would love the new baby--would keep my energy and attention split in two and I would feel guilty no matter what I decided to do or whichever needs I met first. I know....it sounds horrible to say it, but I'm hoping that after writing it down I will be able to make my peace with it.

My husband says when I told him how I felt, it was a relief because he was thinking those same thoughts and was afraid to tell me, so at least it's a step in the right direction.

I'm not sure my in-laws will ever understand my reasoning. I feel so horrible right now.

OXOX
Retro