I don’t know why but every year for the past 5 years when my birthday nears, I get overwhelmingly depressed. I don’t even put that much emphasis on birthdays. I really don’t like getting attention and I don’t want a party of any kind. I would kind of prefer something low key as long as I don’t spend it completely alone. That has happened and that wasn’t fun. I suppose I just can’t remember a time where I actually enjoyed my birthday since I was about 16. Maybe that’s normal, or maybe I’m just incredibly negative. The latter is likely the case. If it weren’t for Holly, I’m not sure what I’d be doing exactly. I definitely wouldn’t be doing well right now. Each year around my birthday, I try and reflect on mistakes I’ve made and if I’ve learned anything from the previous year of life. For some reason, I never feel very good about things. Since college, it seems that I just keep learning what I DON’T want, instead of what I do. I don’t want this type of friend or guy or even more simply, I don’t like the way I’ve been doing things in general. Unlike most people, I enjoy change and if there hasn’t been enough change in my life over a period of time, I get antsy. Flawed, I know. I think the biggest problem I have right now is not goal setting. I told myself a year ago that is something that I would start doing. Short term goals, and long term ones so that I could have something to look forward to and something that would make me feel accomplished and productive. I have made no goals and I haven’t accomplished anything and it honestly leaves me feeling a little weary of the future. I think I need to plan a soul searching trip for the summer. Would it be weird to go somewhere completely alone? I feel like it sounds like a great idea, and then by the time I am 2 days in, I will be so incredibly lonely.
My mom’s birthday was this past Saturday and she and I were discussing how she was my age when she had me exactly 28 years ago. I’ve always said that I want kids and that is just a given. The marriage thing I have always been unsure about. I cannot imagine the thought of having a child right now. Each year that comes, I still don’t feel any closer to wanting any of those things. I am worried that I am going to be this way forever because that sounds like a rather lonely existence. No marriage and no kids? What do people do with all their time, when all their friends have families? I am starting to feel a little bit different finally since nearly every single one of my friends is married or engaged and some even have babies. Holly is more on my level but she is 3 years younger than me. I guess I will have to surround myself with younger friends to still fit in. I’ll be 50 hanging out with single and childless 30 year olds.