I felt like I was living the naked in front of people dream… in fact, I probably could have been arrested for indecent exposure.
Kinsey and the kids had a play date in the afternoon, so I decided to take care of some of my duties. So I started cleaning up some of the messes I had created. I looked outside and saw that Kinsey had put the trash and recycling bags out there for me, so I took that chance to eliminate those. I kept thinking about how proud Kinsey would be when she came home to a clean sink, my clothes picked up, and the trash taken out.
I walked out to my backyard, strutting, pick up the bags, strut to the alley, open the gate door, take a look around to make sure its clear, and threw the bags out. Now, I am feeling good, walking back to the house reach for the handle on my patio door, turn it, and nothing… the dang door is locked. No big deal, right? Wrong. See, I like to chill at my house in my underwear. I get home and like to roam free. I like it, it makes me feel good.
I guess I locked the knock out of habit… I have done it a couple of times before, but Kinsey is home, so I get right back in. This time I had no such luck. I was (almost) naked and afraid. Why am I afraid? Because I have no phone, no keys, no food, and I have no idea ho long Kinsey will be at this play date. So now I have to think like a burglar, who doesn’t want to break a window, and happens to rob houses in his underwear.
Then it hits me! Kinsey walked out the front door, and I was home, which means there is a chance the door was not locked. This was my only chance, but I had to make moves. So I start navigating through the broken nut shells that all the squirrels have dropped from the tree in my backyard. It is painful, but the pain will be well worth it once I get inside. I reach the side gate, open it, and stick my body as close as I can to the side of the house. I am trying to blend in with the bushes. So there I am, naked in the bushes, chest to the house, peeking out from the side of my house, hiding each time I hear a car coming.
I sense something, so I look so my left, and I see my neighbors girlfriend standing in their walkway. I guess she decided to leave at the same time I was doing my mission. She was just standing there, so I said what any logical person would say, “I’m playing hide n seek with my son.” Why didn’t I say that I got locked out? She could have grabbed me a towel, I could have used her phone, and all would be well. Instead I said I was playing hide n seek… chance blown. She smiled awkwardly, without saying anything, and proceeded to her car. It also did not help that I was wearing the brightest underwear I own. Bright orange. I looked like scarecrow wearing a pumpkin.
So now I am peering out again, and my neighbor happens to be mowing his lawn (shout out)… awesome. Another car drives by with children in it, I make eye contact. Now I am thinking that mom will call the police, or maybe she thinks it’s some weird affair scenario. I don’t know. I decide to hide deeper into a bush, waiting for my time to come. I will swiftly run the 25 feet to my front door, and all will be good. Then I hear the lawn mower turn off, only 30 seconds of waiting, which felt like 3 hours. I am sitting next to a bush on the side of my house. I peek out, neighbor is gone, coast is clear, and I take off running, reach my front door, turn the knob… locked! Damn.
I run back to my back yard… defeated. I sat myself down atop my kid’s slide, and waited. I waited for about 2 hours, watched squirrels play, watched the sunset, played on the monkey bars… when I finally saw Kinsey walk in I ran to the back door like a puppy waiting to get back inside. She walked around the house looking for me, so started knocking, she walked up to the glass door, and instead of opening it, she started laughing… and took a picture of me standing there. Then she let me in, and as I walked past Cason he said, “papa poo poo his undies!” Apparently, the mud I sat on stuck to my orange undies quite well. Good times.