I told myself 2013 was going to be a better year no matter what, I suppose even if the ‘no matter what’ part means having to watch the person you like make out with someone else in front of you. That’s always a nice way to end the weekend. Sometimes I guess it just takes a huge catalyst to cause so much pain that it finally mentally registers. Time to move on, no looking back. I have never been able to figure out my need to be friends with people who don’t seem to treat me like a friend should. When did I lose such a sense of who I am and what I feel like I deserve? It’s starting to freak me out, the things I tolerate I mean. Maybe I hate the feeling of loss so much in every way, I would rather be treated poorly that feel like all of that was a waste of energy and time. How am I still learning love lessons at this age? I better get the rest of the emotional ignorance out of myself before I hit 30.
I also don’t like harboring anger because I saw what that did to my mom in her divorce and it seemed like only she was the one being punished along with those around her, like me. My mom, dad and I all have the tendency to just shut down when things get too emotionally painful. I didn’t learn any kind of coping mechanisms, other than to put all the feelings in a pretty box in the back of the closet and never open it. In recent years, I’ve managed to become much more feeling and more girly. That hasn’t worked so well either. I think I’m going to revert to the former method of boxing up all the shit and maybe just burning it instead of hiding it. I need to figure out how to self-validate and stop letting the acceptance and more importantly, the rejection, affect me so much.
My friend made posed a really good question to me and asked, “Jenna, you are a good friend and have lots to offer this person, what does he do for you that is so hard to let go of?” Just like most girls, I want to justify and defend, but the reality is, nothing. What a nightmare it is, waiting on a cab, tears welling in my eyes and a guy comes up and asks for a picture because he loves Dish Nation. I could hardly look up at him and I said, “I am so happy you like it, but can I just go home because I am about to start crying and it’s going to get awkward.” Freaked out another one, haha. No more of this. Then again, I feel like I deserve it or something.
With my roommate being gone all weekend, I was faced with a long, lonely Sunday. I tried to distract so I didn’t lay around pitifully in bed all day long, but that lasted about an hour at the gym before I bought some healthy food and went back to the bed. The highlight of my weekend was watching SNL. Talk about a comeback. Adam Levine and Kendrick Lamar were both on point. Watching that show makes me want to focus on being more creative and get better at something. Am I that un-self aware that I don’t even know what skills I have to enhance? I think it’s time to go to a life coach. I mean that and it sounds corny to me, but I am such a realist that I don’t even allow myself to dream sometimes. I would rather be stable that disappointed, but that doesn’t allow for much greatness. I think I’d be such a wreck that I need a pre-life coach before the real one. Like when your place is such a mess, you need to pre-clean for a week BEFORE the maid comes.
This is about the time I start listening to only hardcore offensive rap music. Nothing sad and pensive. Just ghetto tunes. I’m going to start my song of the day and today’s is:
A$AP Rocky with Florence Welch: I Come Apart