I haven’t been afraid of age in my life. I am more afraid of dying alone….in the literal sense and the idea that I’ll be too old to have a family by the time I meet someone to start a family with. In recent years, work has become the number one priority for me and our schedule makes it quite difficult to have any semblance of a social life. Honestly, other than being phenomenally broken hearted in recent months…by the same person for the SECOND time, blah, blah, blah, I haven’t felt that kind of pressure about marriage, family, kids. Sure, I’d like to be with someone at some point, but not to the point that I’m going to settle for that to happen. I have been a bad friend lately with everything that has been going on since Kidd died and how bummed out I’ve been. I’ve been selfish in the sense of putting myself and my own well being before anyone and anything. I know it’s the path to feel better, but at the same time, I feel guilty because 2 of my close married friends had a baby this summer and I have seen them once. One time. Terrible friend. I know they are friends, primarily because they understand how my schedule and mental state has made me a little more of a loner than I used to be, but that is still no excuse to never see them. Yesterday I made a trip to the suburbs to catch up and we spent the majority of the night talking about getting older. They are young thirties with a 5 month old adorable baby. They got married, spent 3 years living abroad and traveling and then made the decision to have a baby. Pretty well-executed plan I think. I was being reminded that if I want a child, I’m going to be high-risk at 35 and I’m just not loving the sound of that since if I do ever end up having a child, I don’t even know when that will be. Probably 35 at the youngest right? I haven’t even met anyone and I’m not the type to date and impregnate asap. I have to have a few years
I got in my car to leave and BOOM, 30 anxiety hit me. Why have I never been bothered by 30 before now? Is it going to be a sad day 6 months from now? I feel like age is all relative to where you are life. It’s not the number, it’s more what you’ve accomplished. If you hate your job and yourself at 27, every birthday sucks. That’s kinda why I’m focused more on what makes me happy, so I don’t wake up at 35 one day and realize that all I have is work, I’m alone, and infertile, even though I don’t even know if I want kids anyways. I think I do, but that’s so hard to imagine when it’s so far down the road for me. I think my goal is to be happy by 30, really don’t care about the husband thing as much. I am more concerned about the fact that I may not be able to wear jean shorts. Is this the case? Can I wear my “Yeezus taught me” sweathshirt? I care more about this that ever getting a ring or a wedding. REALLY.