Just say no to European sunbathing. That’s all I know. Holly and I are fortunate enough to have a patio that is right in the sunlight, yet shaded from any eyes, so we often like to get a little sun everywhere on the bod. I really needed some Vitamin D and thought I’d chill for a while outside sans clothing. Of course, I burned in all the wrong places. My butt and underboob may have 3rd degree burns and now we’re into the itching phase of the sunburn healing process. Just imagine how great it is to constantly be scratching those 2 places. Ideal right? Even worse, I’ve had to have Holly lotion up the places my short arms don’t reach and that doesn’t go over well with her or others. Just today at the gym she is lotioning my back, being the best friend ever and a woman who is definitely into women takes that as a welcome opportunity to approach. This isn’t the place I like to chat. Gym convos always be gettin weird. Holly I looked at each other like, “This trim isn’t in with the lesbian”. But, then again, times are tough.

Other than the ridiculous burn, I have not a single complaint about my weekend. I didn’t drink, got 12 hours of sleep 3 nights in a row and didn’t eat any sugar. Bragging, I know. I really used this weekend to kickoff the getting my life back together trend. It was glorious. A guy friend cooked me and 2 of my girlfriends dinner on Friday and that was an adventure. Love how guys try and impress the girlfriends before trying to impress the girlfriend. Practice. Just practice. Love the effort. I always just love the effort some guys put in. Hey, the meal may suck and the birthday present may suck, but at least he made some effort. Wait, I take that back. The artichoke heart was terrible and my girlfriend made the rest.

Then again effort isn’t appreciated when it’s unwanted. Take for instance the blind date one of my best friends had this weekend. I’ve said repeatedly that times are grim around these parts and if that doesn’t make sense to you what I meant by that was there are not ample gentlemen callers for us. So, never one to pass up a free meal, she went to dinner. Driving yourself obviously alleviates the awkward drive home if it’s doesn’t go well. Get over the chivalry thing if you don’t know the guy. Drive yourself, you always have an out. Good thing she did, because this date was brutal. She wasn’t sure if he even had a full set of teeth. No more blind dates. I never do blind dates for that very reason. I hate faking it. I am not a good faker. If i’m not enjoying myself, you will know it. That was my vicarious blind dating night. Mid weekend became a concern and I lost my gender identity a little bit. After 3 consecutive soccer games and then 8 holes of the Deutsche Bank Open, I scrambled to watch some Kardashians and paint my toenails pink before I grew a penis. Whew, it was a close one. I have really been trying to lose the 10 pounds I put on during my drunk croissant bender in London town, so the real focus of this weekend was fitness and grooming. Hair, nails, lose some hair in some places, tan the skin, you get the picture. It was a success minus the green powder that tasted like an aquarium going down and again when it came back up. I managed to read almost all of the Mick Jagger biography (which is super interesting FYI) and I read a lot about that loser Lance Armstrong. Fascinating how people chose to handle scandals. It isn’t event the cheating that people close to him care about. It’s all about how you treat people on the way up and if what they all say is true, he has never been anything other than a self-serving douche. Such a reminder that we all screw up, but you better treat those around you good all the way up. It will come back to you.

On a less serious note, this whole mom watching my dog and never giving him back thing has allowed me to open up my pet-loving heart to others in need. First it was my homeless roommate’s cat who I came close to euthanizing after the incessant meowing and kneading during my scheduled daily naptime. Kidding about that. But that was a nice way to get a little animal love. This weekend I spent taking care of a friend’s fish. Still not sure how this creature is considered a “pet”. All in all it took about 5 minutes of my weekend to feed this thing. Do fish eat daily? Still not sure about that. Think I definitely overfed him. I’m too scared to go back and check on him tonight. Just my luck that thing will be floating at the top when my friend gets home tomorrow. Is it bad that I looked for replacement fish just in case? Can one pull the replacement fish thing? On an adult? It’s a very generic blue fish. I don’t know how anyone would ever be able to tell. Replacement dog? Not a chance. But replacement turtle? Of course it would work. Still not sure how a fish is really a pet. I want something that can touch me back and show me how much they appreciate me. Cleaning up your bodily functions is a lot of work and I want some acknowledgement of that. What do fish do to say thank you?