Lots of girls, and lots of my own girlfriends go on dates all the time. Maybe it’s for the company, perhaps it’s for the chance of meeting “the one”, or maybe it’s just the free meal. Not me. I seriously think I went on 4 dates in all of 2012. I’m not counting that group dating BS which I think is lame. I know the one on one thing is awkward, but it really saves time and gets you to realize whether or not you even want to go on another. It may come across as selfish, but I often feel that my limited free time is more valuable than giving it to someone else if I’m not at least a little bit interested-which is next to never since I’m so picky. I’m not saying I have good taste, but I AM picky. But is this the right way to be?

Even though I love my alone time, I am starting to get really tired of myself. I feel like I have 2 options. Just dive in and start doing the date thing or work on myself and change some things so I’m not so tired of myself. Part of me thinks that as self aware as I am, I can’t accept the fact that I hate letting people in. I have some great friends, but the process of getting to know new people is difficult. I know this sounds crazy considering what I do for living is basically let millions of people into my life, but I don’t like the super intimate stuff. The literal intimate stuff is no problem, but the emotional intimate stuff is incredibly difficult. Does that make sense? I’d rather go on a date and the guy not call me back, then get to know someone really well and THEN they don’t like me.

Talk about a blow to the ego. Hard to recover from. So, I’ve decided that this year is about me. I’m done giving so much of myself to others. I don’t mean I hate charity;) I mean I am done letting in people that are undeserving of getting to truly know me. Instead, I’m going to try and fall in love with myself for the first time ever. That sounds rather creepy when I put it into writing like that. I just wrote that without thinking. I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I want to be in the best shape possible, so I’ve been spending more hours than ever before in the gym. I want my skin to be perfect so I’m focusing on that. I’m going to get a physical this Saturday morning-yay-(not at all) to make sure I’m doing ok and also because they won’t refill my medicines until I do. Is it weird that I kinda want to get in shape before my physical? Haha. I bought White Strips, whitening toothpaste, whitening mouthwash. I’ve been getting regular waxes which is the best new habit of mine. I think I’m also going to take the plunge and get Invisalign. Now all of that has to do with vanity and I know it really starts with the inside. Don’t worry, I have that covered. I have said for months that I want to do something to enhance my contributions at work.

Realistically, I don’t have the time to take classes and piano lessons, so since I love to read, I’ve downloaded some improv books since this TV show has really challenged me to get better at that. I hope I can take my own classes at night-via my miracle ipad and then try and apply them each day at work. I don’t know if this will work, but maybe it will stop be from being so bored with myself. I suppose the point of this whole rant is that it’s so easy to start drowning in all of things that go wrong in your life that you can’t control. You can’t control who loves you back, how people treat you, or even life’s daily missteps. However you can control yourself and I think that needs to be the main focus. Control the things you can and just let go of the things you can’t. Easier said than done. I want to get better at my job and that is going to be the focus for now. I may not have a living, breathing body to sleep with every night, but I have this killer Ipad and some great reading material to keep me company and teach me new things. Wow. What a huge dork am I? Now, the big question is, how the hell am I going to fast for 12 hours before my physical? I eat every 2 hours, it’s going to be torture. It’s the Zero Dark Thirty physical. Blah.