I need to go to the doctor. Something is wrong with me. I really don’t like to cuddle. I definitely didn’t think I had any intimacy issues, but cuddling feels like I’m being strangled. Not into it. I’ve been trying to recall if there have been any instances where I actually enjoyed cuddling with another human. Maybe, but probably because there were some substantial feelings involved. I just can’t get into it these days. I actually feel like I have an adverse reaction to it. I feel like I can’t catch my breath and that I’m being suffocated. I am not actually being suffocated in case you were concerned.
Something about cuddling feels so fake. I don’t even like the word. I cuddled with Maximus all the time. Dogs I have no issue with. Maybe it’s the human pretending like you like someone enough to drape yourself all over them. Just writing that makes me gasp for air and start sweating. Okay, clearly I have some issues. Maybe I’m just in a real loner type of place. For the first time since I can remember, I am totally content with being alone and doing my own thing. Having a dog for 11 years made me so much less selfish, which is a good thing. Now that I’m this weird limbo of should I/shouldn’t I/what should I do instead of getting a dog right now? I am still holding strong and trying my best to capitalize on the lack of responsibility.
My girlfriends and I had quite the conversation at the pool this weekend. We were talking about Amber Heard and I jokingly said, maybe I should just start liking girls. It worked for Amber. She was in a relationship with a woman and then meets Johnny Depp. My two best friends looked at me and said, “Jenna we were thinking the same thing. It would just be so much easier”. Would it though? I don’t feel like you get to choose who you are attracted to and I simply don’t see myself with a woman.
Guys are just so boring and predictable lately. Maybe lazy. I can just see how everything is going to play out when you start talking to someone new. They go from 0-100 then slam on the brakes or total the car right off the bat. Whatever happened to chillin on it for a bit? I think most girls prefer some consistency and gradual progression. I know that 4 dates in, I’m likely going to get interrogated about religion, children, family, exes. I literally turn to them like, “are you having a good time hanging out? Well, how about we get there when we get there”. I’m genuinely so turned off by this aggressive then disappearing behavior that I think I’m just taking a water break for a bit.
I feel like I had enough drama-filled months this year and when I realized I’m not really all that dramatic, I liked it. I am just doing my thing and not caring about anything else. I don’t even feel lonely which is refreshing. I figure when I do get super lonely, I’m going to get one of these pug puppies I keep looking at online. I just keep reminding myself that still pictures make puppies look adorable, but they are really a whole lot of work. Will I make it Christmas?