Maximus the Pug is 9 and has always been a loving, bundle of fat. Now, I can barely board him because he has been attacking other pugs, clearly not realizing that he IS a pug and they have to put him in what they refer to as “playground timeout”. No, he’s getting put in solitary confinement because he’s trying to cut other doggie prisoners. I think he’s acting out because I haven’t given him as much attention as I used to. Does it make me a bad person/dog owner because I dread walking him 4 times a day. Or actually 3 times a day if he’s lucky. Maybe he just needs the mohawk redone to feel sexy again. I’m really upset that all of my hard work getting him back to summer bod shape a few months ago, has gone to waste. He is BIG and it’s not healthy. It doesn’t help that he is so stubborn, he waits for the elevator after a walk, but since I only live on the 3rd floor and we both need the exercise, the elevator is not an option. That lazy rat will wait at the bottom of the stairs until I say “turkey”. That is the only way to get him to drag himself up. I need a doggie treadmill. Or maybe just some doggie Xanax to chill him out. Do they make that?
I decided to do something that 6 weeks ago, I swore I’d never do again and that is get all waxed up. You know how you go so long without doing something that you forget why you don’t do it anymore? Then you get it done and remember why? On Halloween I got one and it felt like Osama Bin Laden was all up in my girl parts and I swore it would never happen again. But, here I am yesterday checking out a new place that a coworker told me was painless-ish-whatever that means..SO, I did it. Techno is blaring and I am sweating and preparing myself for possible tears. To my surprise, it was as painless as an eyebrow wax. AHHH! Kinda awkward when she says, “okay roll over on your stomach so I can, you know…” Let’s just say I’m a hairless rat. I will be the only one to reap the benefits of this so whatever. I am going to Mexico in one week so at least the razor can be left at home. Tight!
I learned a hard lesson yesterday. When you let a friend borrow something of yours, you should probably check and see if you left anything behind. The fanny pack that I had in my closet from college-don’t ask why I have one, I swear I wasn’t a loser it was fashionable at some point and Carrie from Sex and the City wore one so it must have been chic!!! Anyways, my guy friend wanted it for a company Christmas theme party and I found it, miraculously, and he came to pick it up. I was scrambling to run down and hand it off and my dumbass didn’t even consider that there may be some residual Jenna college thangs in there. Oh yea there was. There was dollar bill, a birth control pull that he didn’t notice, some random change and my freshman year college ID. This picture is like Buzz’s girlfriend-Woof. And my lovely friend immediately photographs it and posts it on Facebook, twitter and Instagram as a throwback Thursday picture. Awesome. I thought it was only to fair publicly wish him good luck with his spray tan later that evening. Dudes can NOT get spray tans!!