Well that was undoubtedly the heaviest thing I’ve had to do so far in this lifetime. As hard as this has been on me, I still wouldn’t say it was a hard decision. It was actually the only choice I had and it was the only way. I just feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness right now, but if I’ve learned anything about grief these past few years, it’s that time is the only thing that heals. I will say, you learn a lot about yourself and your friends at times like this.
I knew I had good friends, but I am just so lucky to have these people in my life. Three of my best girlfriends insisted on going with me to take Maximus in. I knew it was going to be beyond sad for all of us, and I didn’t even ask anyone to go with me. They individually offered without hesitation. I know it’s my dog and my dog isn’t as important to anyone else as he is to me, but they treated this like it was their own dog and I am just so grateful that I had them there by my side. I actually don’t think I could have been as strong and collected without their presence. It didn’t end on Friday either. They checked in and stopped by to just hang out over the whole weekend, bringing me food and keeping me company. That’s the kind of thing I never would have asked for, but it helped me immensely.
Tragic things like this can also bring some closure to relationships. I didn’t decide to not be heartbroken anymore, but over the course of the weekend it just kind of hit me. This person who I’ve spent so long wanting to share life with, doesn’t hold the same place in my life anymore. Perhaps it’s just having something more important and heavy going on that made me realize I deserve so much more than what I got from that. I think this entire loss would have been substantially easier had my relationship not ended the way it did at the time that it did. I genuinely needed support that I simply didn’t get and that just has a way of changing the way I see someone. I really think this is a chapter of my life ending and I feel a sense of closure with it. How can it not be a sign of things changing? It wasn’t like I wanted this test of love or character with anyone in my life, but you can’t help what life at throws at you and how your loved ones handle it. It gives life a little more clarity.
Life is so short and time is so precious. You should never wait on the things you want to do or say to someone. I lived these past few months in a different way than I ever have before. Really focusing on moments with Maximus as well as with people who mean something to me. I feel like I was as ready as I could have been for something like that. I also realized that until the end, I went through all of this totally alone and I did it. I felt strong and proud of how I’ve lived this year. I’ve stood up for what I know I deserve in a relationship and I managed to focus on what mattered. Maximus took priority over everything and I’m so glad I lived life with him the way I did.
I am hoping to make myself more of a priority this summer. Not in a selfish way, just in a way that I haven’t been able to this past year because of heartache and taking care of a special needs dog. I really feel like this is going to be a good summer for me. I want to travel with friends and get back to being more social than I have been lately. I definitely have this sense that I know myself better than I did a year ago. No more wasting time on things or people that don’t add value to my life. My girlfriends showed me they were more valuable than I ever realized. I also started to recognize the value I have. I mean something to them or they wouldn’t have done what they did. I think the older you get, you start editing down your life and your relationships to those that add something to your life. For too long, I’ve been adding value to someone’s life and not getting what I deserve, need, want, anything in return.
Like I always say, but never really put into practice…”this milk ain’t free”. This milk is actually quite high quality and doesn’t stay in your fridge forever until you decide to drink it. It should be enjoyed while you have it, because it’s going to taste really bad when you finally go to take a drink and realize it’s expired. Okay, enough milk relationship puns:)