Talk about an eventful weekend. I was on the verge of getting sick all of last week, so I was worried I wasn’t about to have any semblance of a weekend at all, but I managed to turn it around…or so I thought. My absolute favorite thing to do as a weekend activity, is go to dinner. I really enjoy the whole idea of just hanging out eating somewhere for 2 hours with good company and a good food and drinks and honestly I’ve become so disenchanted with the social scene, I often end up just going home. That’s exactly what I did on Friday. Two of my girlfriends and I decided to be all foodie and check out a just opened new hot restaurant. And man was this place hot. Literally, this is supposed to be the best new thing going and not only was the food totally mediocre, it was so hot inside, we were sweating.
Of course my armpits weren’t…shoutout Botox. So, after a rather disappointing 100 dollar dinner for us, the girls were ready to hit the town, and I was ready to go home and hit the bed. I had started to lose my voice slightly starting last Wednesday night and figured it was because of allergies and the cold I had going on. Since I actually need to talk, I did the responsible thing and slept for 11 straight hours. I have been really good with saving money lately and actually paid off everything I owe, so I thought I’d treat myself to a day of pampering with one of my friends. I woke up Saturday feeling back to normal and went to the gym…only to get a massage of course.
Still can’t get enough of those painful deep tissue ones, so I did that and we headed to get nails and our makeup done for this charity event we had been planning on going to for the last few weeks. By the end of the day, I’m all dressed up and the voice starts to go. I figured I could just head to this dinner and event and drink as little as possible and talk at a whisper level. I hate conversing with tons of strangers anyways so what a great excuse right? Kind of makes me the ideal mate for someone, one would think since I can’t talk….It was honestly incredibly frustrating. We enjoyed a formal dinner at the bar of a really nice place and watched college football at the same time. What an ideal combo. I’m essentially in black tie attire with 2 friends eating some mystery meats and watching football. Quite the typical Jenna dichotomy. The event was cool and I wandered around the contemporary art venue alone for a while staring at the nude photographs of celebrities. I love how a naked Kate Moss is art, but it was actually super cool. Then I see that iconic photo of Kurt Cobain giving the middle finger and it looked to be just a print on white paper, so I leaned up against it and was posing away for Holly to take pics. Outta nowhere some beefcake security guy physically removed me from the art. Apparently you can’t even touch even the fake stuff in that place. So, I took that as it was time to head somewhere else. I ended up a bar to say hi to someone for their birthday and since being in a fancy dress in a dirty bar, being sober around tons of drunk people and of course being mute on top of it all is oh so fun, I made it about 30 minutes before deciding to head home.
“Wait, Jenna you can’t leave it’s daylight savings time! That means 2 becomes 1 and the bars are open a whole extra hour!” I’m supposed to be pumped? Okay, I got into a dance off with someone on my way out the door, which is so unlike me, and then I left. Maybe being one of few words is what I need to do to gain that mysterious factor that makes people so alluring? Trying to see the good in this fading voice thing. It was pretty awesome spending 45 minutes to get my dress off when I got home alone. I really need to create a device for single girls that live alone and never hook up so they can easily get their zippered back clothes off. What makes you feel worse than being rejected by most around you, than spending 45 minutes exhausting yourself attempting to take off your own dress when you spent all day getting ready. It was so difficult, I had to take a halftime break…After another good night’s sleep, I wake up feeling good and then it happens….I go to talk and there is no noise coming out. This is when the freak out began. Of course it was a completely inaudible freakout, but I knew right away that I needed to head to the ER. I’m not sure what they were going to do, but I kinda need this voice thing. Someone had recommended I call this renowned ENT who has treated Mick Jagger and I kinda laughed like, c’mon I’m not freaking Adele you know? But the more I thought about, working on a radio show kinda makes the voice a vital part of my career. The mute radio co-host doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. I made an emergency laryngologist appointment and Holly took me the closed office for some serious throat testing. It was about the time that she pulled out a 12 inch pole with a camera on it, that I looked at Holly and said, “Is this thing really going down my throat?” This is getting serious. [WATCH THE VIDEO HERE]
Turns out I am on the verge of rupturing my right vocal chord and the left one has a ginormous polyp on it. Yay. So she was the most phenomenal doctor I’ve seen in a long time and she shot me up full of steroids in the butt and told me I can only speak for the show and then full silence the rest of the day. Not a problem since I HAVE NO SOCIAL INTERACTION AFTER WORK. did that sound bitter? Yes, yes it did.
On the way home, lil’ Hilly Billy starting feeling queasy between the shot in my butt and the heat and her hangover and she was about to throw up outside the car. What makes that feeling worse? When she rolls her window down and throws up, then a random homeless man darts in front of the car and starts projectile vomiting out of nowhere, causing both of us to start puking and leave us with some serious post traumatic homeless disorder.
I think I’ll be writing a lot this week, since I have no other communication option.