I have to admit it. I had a relapse. I don’t know what got into me. I was bored one day or trying to update something on my phone or whatever when I saw it there — the Candy Crush app. At the height of my addiction, I deleted it from my phone and quit cold turkey. Or at least, I THOUGHT I deleted it from my phone. Apparently that little app is always there…somewhere…just biding its sweet little time waiting for other addicts like me to come back for a little taste.

I figured enough time had passed, right? I could handle just a little game or two to pass the time, couldn’t I? So yeah! I clicked it! And I LIKED it. And when that “play” screen popped up, that’s when I found out that all my previous level history had been erased! I was starting with a clean slate! I was in heaven!! Of course, I breezed through those first get-to-know-you introductory levels, thinking, “Ha! This is so easy! It’s child’s play!” But see, that’s how they get you hooked. You get so confident about your candy matching and board clearing skills, that you don’t realize at first that the levels are getting a little more difficult. And before I knew what was happening, I was stuck on a level I couldn’t conquer!

duh-candyI spent three days on that danged thing! I’d run out of my five lives and then sit there watching the clock tick down until another chance sprung to life. And I’d fail! So I’d walk away and try to keep myself occupied with laundry or an episode of House Hunters for what seemed like an eternity until I’d come back to find I had maybe 3 lives to spare. And then I’d fail, fail and fail again! So I googled, “How do I conquer this one f*@#ing level?!” Oh, I got some instructional video that only mocked me with its subliminal message.  “Duh! How can you not line up enough four same-colored candies in a horizontal direction to knock out all the jellies in the other column that keep getting covered in those despicably evil, sickeningly sweet chocolate bars that you accidentally freed when you unlocked a candy before its time!”

So I finally did it. I clicked that little button that charged me $.99 (before tax) and gave me five extra moves. I failed. I clicked for another 5 moves at another $.99 (before tax), and I failed again! I kept clicking in frustration until the charge bumped up to $1.29! And yes, I paid for it. I was in too deep! And surely, the Candy Crush creators would now be willing to give me a few helpful horizontal striped candies along with those five extra moves so I can finally clear this wretched level and move on, but nooooooooo…..So I clicked again. $1.99?!?! I paid it! SURELY, this would be the mercy level. I’m crying freaking “UNCLE!” over here!! Give me enough striped candies and choco-balls so I can finally be freed from this candy-coated albatross that’s hanging around my neck!! I’m sitting here feeling like a complete moron, obviously willing to pay any amount of money to get past this God-forsaken level of Candy Crush and I just CAN’T!!

And that’s when I realized I had a problem.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I held down the button on my phone and watched all my little apps jiggle at me in nervous anticipation of what I was about to do next. I clicked that little “x” on the corner of my Candy Crush app. “Are you sure?” it asked me. I could hear a tinge of sadness in its voice. And that’s when I knew I was officially crazy and hit YES!!!

Then I got the email notifying me that I was being charged $24.76 for the app that defeated me.

I. Hate. Candy. Crush.