So happy to see that somebody tweeted that today is officially No Diet Day. She says it’s international and everything. I’m not googling to find out if she’s lying or misinformed or whatnot. I’m just going with it. That way I can pretend I knew it all along as I polished off the rest of that sodium-soaked pad thai. I would hate myself right now if weren’t international No Diet Day. It’s practically legally binding.

There’s no reason why I can’t work these international holidays to my advantage. Apparently, all it takes is a status update or a tweet from a verified user — Hey! That’s ME! — to make it seemingly so. I’ll just start a whole bunch of them. Or maybe I’ll just start national holidays. Or maybe just holidays that apply to those who live within a five-block radius of me. As if living in my neighborhood isn’t glorious enough, my neighbors and my neighbors’ neighbors will be among the lucky few who can do whatever the heck they want on Do Whatever the Heck You Want Day. Or perhaps I should narrow that down so the occasion feels more special. Who isn’t looking forward to Lie To Someone’s Face Day…or Take More Than 10 Items to 10 Items or Less Day…and then there’s Flip Off Bad Drivers Day…and the highly anticipated Have a Guilt-Free One-Night Stand Day. If it’s an officially designated neighborhood holiday, that makes it okay.

Won’t you be my neighbor?