“Two and a Half Men” star calls his show “filth.”

A woman made a desperate 911 call on Sunday!! Simon Cowell was in trouble!! He was bound and gagged and being held hostage in the bathroom of his Beverly Hills mansion!! The police responded in full force!! And when they got to Simon’s house, they found……Simon. He was home. He was fine. He wasn’t tied up. He wasn’t gagged. He was just wondering what the heck all these cops were doing at his front door. Just add Simon to the list of swatting victims, which includes Ashton Kutcher, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber.

I don’t know what happened at their Thanksgiving dinner, but whatever it was, it was enough to cause Ashlee Simpson and her “Boardwalk Empire” boyfriend Vincent Piazza to break up. The two of them had been dating for almost a year and a half, but sources told Page Six that Vincent’s career kept them apart too much. And that’s a big problem when he has one and she doesn’t.

Things calmed down for a minute, but sources say Demi Moore is fighting with her daughters again. Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Belle just want her to divorce Ashton and move on with her life, but Demi simply can’t let go. RadarOnline.com is reporting that Demi told her attorney to drag out the divorce as long as possible. And Demi can’t stop talking about Ashton! She obsessively follows him and his girlfriend Mila Kunis on the internet, and she really wasn’t too thrilled of those pictures of them on their romantic Italian vacation, by the way, and expressed her pain profusely to her daughters. But they’re sick of hearing it! So now they’re telling mom to shut up and move on.

Things could be awkward at the “Two and a Half Men” rehearsal this morning. Nineteen-year-old Angus T. Jones — who plays Jake on the show — filmed a little piece for the Forerunner Christian Church. Basically he said the show was the work of the devil and asked people to stop watching it. He said, “You cannot be a true God-fearing person and be on a television show like that. I know I can’t.” The show’s producers said, hey! If Angus has a problem with our filthy show, he should’ve come to us first. We would’ve happily arranged for his character to be written off. As of right now, Angus hasn’t been fired, but he hasn’t officially quit, either. Or was the video his way of doing that? Either way, it’ll be interesting to see if he shows up for rehearsals today. By the way, Angus earns $350K per episode, making him the highest paid teenager on television.

RadarOnline.com is reporting that Gabriel Aubry told police he didn’t start that Thanksgiving Day fight with Olivier Martinez, and begged officers to get the security footage that would prove that before Olivier and his fiancee, Halle Berry, could destroy it. Gabriel won a court battle preventing Halle from moving to France with their daughter Nahla and it’s gotten uglier and uglier ever since. Gabriel said the night before the fight, he was at Nahla’s school play when Olivier walked up and whispered, “I wish I could beat the (blank) out of you right now. You’re lucky we’re in a school….” The next day when he dropped Nahla off at Halle’s house, he says Olivier jumped him and repeatedly bashed his head into the pavement, threatening to kill him if he didn’t tell the police that he’s the one who started it. Gabriel has since obtained a restraining order against Olivier.