It only took about 5 years, but I feel like I finally have my mom back. After my parents divorced, my relationship with my mom changed so much. The mother-daughter dynamic quickly switch roles and it’s been a very difficult 5 years to say the least. She went from super warm and friendly to basically not having any interest in my personal life. It was the strangest thing, yet at the same time it made quite a bit of sense after what we had been through. This past Christmas was even pretty tough with her. She has been so sad and I’ve blamed myself not being able to get her out of it. How can you fix someone? Why am I always trying to fix people? I don’t even realize at the time that I’m likely setting myself up for failure, but the stubbornness in my won’t let me stop. When she called me on Monday morning and said she was going to hop in the car and make the drive from Austin, I was excited but also a little wary of the shape she was going to be in.
To my very pleasant surprise, she looked great and I could tell she had gotten herself into a much better place. She no longer weighed 98 pounds and wasn’t crying so that was a great start:) Having to work and being exhausted makes it tough to spend tons of quality time with her during the week, but we managed to go out to eat a bunch and just hang around my place catching up. She got up this morning to leave and I am just so glad this is how the trip has ended. The last one ended in a screaming fight with both of us crying and me feeling horrible about it for weeks. Why do we always tend to fight with the ones we love the most? I suppose we just aren’t worried about our image or the consequences when it comes to family.
It is rather weird to sit back and think that she is the extent of my family. The constant worry I have carried around for these last few years about my mom’s well-being has been so frustrating for me. I can’t change her life, I can’t fix her problems, I can’t find a new guy for her, I can’t make her happy. I just hate the feeling of powerlessness. I know we all do to some extent, and that’s also probably why I’m afraid to fly on planes. It seems like maybe life might be getting better for her finally. As for me, I’m still filled with resentment and pain, but I’m working on it. Can’t trust, don’t want anyone to get in, etc. Though I did already give up on that Deepak Chopra bullshit Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. How am I supposed to be aware of my own thoughts enough to constantly think about laws like, The Law of Potential, The Law of Karma, The Law of Defenselessness? I don’t think so. Reading self-help books like this is like learning how to make contact with a golf ball for the first time. There are about 100 things you need to know how to do well enough and do them all at the exact same time. It’s incredibly frustrating and nearly impossible at first. You have to be in the right frame of mind and honestly, I’m not quite in the mindset to be that Zen.