Well, I am pretty happy to announce that nobody was arrested, beat up, or lost at the bachelor party. We hit a small bump before going out… my buddy’s grandma informed us that she would not be able to make it out because she got a kidney stone. She did send us a picture of her in bed smiling. We probably could have used her. See, the thing about Miami, and its crazy clubs, is that if you are a dude, you will not be getting in. It was pretty impossible for us to get in anywhere. To make matters worse, I somehow lost my voice during the time the show ended, to when we got ready to go out at night. I drank some weird foreign lemonade. That thing was super sour, and I could feel something weird happening in my throat. I took a nap, woke up, and voice was gone. So I was the creepy quiet guy of the group. When I tried to talk, I sounded like some scary murderer. Normally, I can somehow talk to bouncers and get us in. I am like a bouncer whisperer, for some reason. I don’t know what it is, because I don’t consider myself a crazy good salesman. I usually do some small talk, act like we have met, then they throw the “do you know (blank)” line, I lie and say “yes, that’s my dude!”… and boom, we get in. So that job was passed on to another one of my buddies. Here was his sales pitch:

He pulled out his phone, went to my facebook page, showed them my facebook page, and told them they should let us in. The bouncer then promptly would laugh in his face. haha. So we ended up bar bouncing… both nights.

Yup, we did the whole Double Dare theme. We were in the minority out there. NOBODY seemed to dress up. At first it was awkward, but you know what? Who cares! You just have to have fun. If people think we are dorks, good for them. We had a blast! I was the lamo, who went home early the last night… by early, I mean 2 am. I had the earliest flight out of the group, and nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

The airport was actually where I had the most problems. The Miami airport is a whooping. It took forever to get screened. So I was already a lil annoyed, and I was showing it on my face. I got the dreaded, “can we look through your bag?” I allowed it. So the guy pulls my bag, opens it, picks it up, walks towards me… in front of a bunch of people, and pulls out a zip lock bag full of white powder. The lady next to me even did a lil gasp. He then asked what I was trying to transport. The guy looked like he was thinking he was about to be some sort of huge drug dealer bust machine. I informed him that it was my protein powder. Kinsey, apparently had been nice and put some protein in a baggie for me… but she didn’t tell me. She just put it in my side pocket. I took my lil tub. So the guy was not really buying my story. Next thing I know, they are asking if I can step off to the side by two men. Everyone was staring at me. I felt like mothers were shielding their kid’s eyes. Old people were shaking their heads at me.

I was asked why I would bring protein in a bag, if I had a lil tub full of it. I told him that my wife probably did it for me. They got that one question in, when another guy walked in and said it was clean. So I was not arrested for drug smuggling. I even go the, what is this guy doing on the plane look a couple of times when I boarded.

Then my questionable shenanigan took place. I have been asking myself if I am a bad person because of this. What would you do here? I got on the plane, sat in my window seat, that I requested when I bought my ticket, and pulled my new book out. I am really into reading right now. I’m reading “Mad River” by John Sandford. Anyways, an older, small, foreign guy and his wife walk up, she sits in the row in front of us, middle seat. He sits in my row, next to me, middle seat. He looks at me, and says, “will you switch seats, so my wife and I can sit together?” I looked at him, and said, “switch a window for a middle seat?” He nodded. Part of me felt like I should, but then I realized: No. I was responsible. I got my ticket and my seat in due time. I planned ahead. He was making all sorts of excuses for what happened. He said she actually had my seat, and then something went wrong. I told him that was weird, because I picked my seat a month ago. Then he starts telling me that she is frightened to fly alone. I told him he could rub her shoulders from behind. I finally had to stop him and say, “sir, I am sorry, but I dont want to sit in the middle seat. I am 6’1, 200 lbs, and barely fit in this one. So he looked at the lady sitting in the aisle seat, and she just said, “sorry, no.” The guy, who was sitting in front of me walked up. Young guy. Maybe 20. They asked him the same question, and he said yes. He switched. He was a big guy, too. So I kind of felt like I ended up looking like a bad guy. The old man got the last laugh, because when he got up, he tooted in my face. I think that just happens with age… and he did apologize. So maybe I was just getting paid with some karma… or in this case “fartma”.