Stubbornness is always something I’ve had an issue with. Definitely one of my biggest flaws. These past few years I have tried to work on that one a little bit, but that’s a hard thing to let go of. If I feel slighted by someone, there is no way I will be the first to reach out. Something happened yesterday to change my mind on that one. After 3 years of not speaking to my dad, I set up a lunch. Sometimes enough time goes by that you forget who is mad at who and why the other person might be mad at you.
Pain can make someone very selfish. When one person feels pain, it’s blinding and you can’t even see that the other person involved might be hurting too. I knew going into the lunch that is was going to be essentially impossible for me to keep it together. Each time I think about why my own dad hasn’t called me on my birthday for 3 years, my heart hurts. It’s like what could a daughter do so wrong, that would cause you to start acting like she doesn’t even exist? I don’t really want to get into all the details about what has been going on between the two of us because it’s just so emotional and complicated-as I’m sure every family has something like this. I just wanted to fill him in on how I haven’t been ok with life in general and being an only child, I needed to tell someone. I have been so down and it has seemed for years like he didn’t even care.
Well of course, he’s been living with his own issues and somehow just assumed I was fine on my own. I told him I’m not angry at him but I broke down and decided to make this lunch happen because I thought to myself last week, “If my dad dies tomorrow, I will feel like I don’t even know who he is”. That really struck something different inside of me. I figured that meant a meeting needed to happen. When I told him that, it make him visibly upset. He looked almost surprised that I cared. He could barely get out the words that the most pivotal moment in his life was dropping me off at college when I was 17 years old, driving home alone in his car he said he cried for the first time in his life and thought the very same thing to himself. That he didn’t even know his own daughter and since then he’s been trying to compensate for that by being the most amazing dad for his 2 new children. Well, there’s a whole lot more to that story, but for personal purposes I will just hold on to that. The point is, don’t let stubbornness and anger get in the way of finding the answers you need to know. If something is preventing you from moving forward in life and growing, then try and go to the person that has some answers no matter how difficult that may be.
I guess I just wanted to feel like someone cares about me and values me or find out why they don’t. I told him I feel ruined because I keep picking guys romantically that don’t treat me well and it all stems from feeling like that’s what I deserve. I know that sounds crazy just when I put it into words, but I can’t explain a lifetime of feeling unlovable.
It kind of goes without saying that though that lunch needed to happen, I was an emotional mess the rest of the day. What does Jenna do when she is super upset? Run until my head clears of course. Unfortunately, I decided to make that run in 100 degree heat and kept running until I realized I was super far from home. Once you get 5 miles away, that means you have to turn back and run those 5 miles again to get home. Stupid. This is the reason I don’t run outside. I don’t know why I didn’t consider calling a cab, I just walked most of the way home. Just me and my thoughts. Then I got home and showered and went to sleep at 7pm. Yes 7pm. Which cannot explain why I am so tired today.
My silver lining is coming back!!! Yes, I get to pick up Hilly Billy Bear at the airport today and after 2 weeks of not seeing her, not speaking to and only texting with her, my heart is yearning for some contact:) I’m thinking about making a sign for her like she’s returned from war. Honestly, I do kinda feel like we are reunited after war. Not war between each other, but some traumas in our own lives.