I finally figured out another way to get out of my workouts!

Now, I’ve never met another person who hates working out as much as I do. But I thought if I pre-paid for a couple dozen private sessions, writing a check that big would cause me so much pain that I would finally commit to doing it. And after spending a full 24 hours in the gym, wouldn’t I begin to love the smell of my own sweat? And after all those sweaty workouts, would I dare to rock a sports bra without a shirt? And after lifting my personal best, would I finally get a high-five from that really hot fellow gym rat? And would he ask me for my number so we could start working out together? And then we’d fall in love and have the gym owner get ordained by an online church so he could marry us on the weight bench where our romance first began! It could’ve happened that way.

But — like I said before — I’ve never met another person who hates working out as much as I do. In fact, I can’t think of a single part of the experience that I like. I don’t like stretching. I don’t like straining. I don’t like crunching. I don’t like pulling. I don’t even like counting to 12. And the fact that I have to remind myself to breathe really ticks me off. Plus, I don’t really enjoy checking myself out in the mirror, which — based upon what I witness — is an integral part of the workout experience. Admiring one’s reflection apparently is more important than remembering to wipe one’s butt sweat off of the weight bench. (Does no one in the gym own a towel??) But maybe I would’ve enjoyed checking myself out a little more if I’d invested in cuter workout wear. But what I bought in 1997 still fits — to a point — and I made it work. But that’s all beside the point because today I quit!

What a relief!! And now I’m free to go out to lunch with the girls again!! Of course, I still have 9 sessions left that I’ve already paid for, but I decided to gift them to a girlfriend who has suddenly found herself motivated to work out. I guess she won’t be joining us for girls’ lunch.