Part-Time Justin forced Kellie to do a TED Talk. We’re glad he did. Kellie gave a deep speech about her struggles… What do you think of her honesty?
KELLIE’S TED TALK
I don’t remember the exact moment it happened. It was more of a series of moments. Being weighed in front of the entire PE class. Being told by my friend that I was too big for her to borrow any of my clothes. Being offered $10 a pound if I’d lose 15 pounds. Counting calories. Taking laxatives. Fasting. Bingeing. Purging. Before I realized it was even happening, I was a full-blown bulimic. YOU couldn’t call me fat because I called me fat first! And I punished myself for it.
When things were spiraling out of control, I’d go on massive binges. After my weekly weigh-in and diet support group meeting, I’d stop at three or four fast food restaurants on the way home, pulling up to the drive-through speaker to place my order, “Yes, I’ll have the number 1 and I THINK my friend said she wanted the number 3.” Only the “friend” was me. I always wondered if those drive-through workers saw right through me. I’d feel so much guilt as I shoved every bit of all that food into my mouth as I drove home. After it was over, I’d dispose of the trash and everything I’d consumed. It was only then that I’d feel calm again.
I fought this mental, emotional and physical battle with myself for two decades. I often wonder if that’s why I had trouble conceiving. I read somewhere once that eating disorders could affect that. But when I finally had my daughter, things started to change. I had the strength to do for her what I should’ve been able to do for just myself. I found that if I could resist the urge to purge for just one minute…then two minutes…5, 10, 20, 30 minutes….If I could just wait, the urge would finally pass. I felt like I was in a battle with myself, but sometimes it was a full-blown war. But it did get better. I also worked hard to stop talking negatively about myself to anyone who would listen. I worked even harder to stop the negative conversations I was having inside my own head. I won’t say the urges never come now. I think any recovering alcoholic would say that their taste for alcohol isn’t always top of mind, but it’s always there. I think it’s sort of like that for a recovering bulimic, too.
But for anyone listening to this “TED Talk” who’s been through previous battles or who may be in the middle of a full-on war right now, work for those small victories and then celebrate them. And learn to be kinder to yourself. In this current cancel culture, cancel the negative self-talk. Cancel the words you use to describe yourself to others. Our little girls and boys are listening. We need to learn to love ourselves as much as our children love us and as much as we love them.