I wish that it as therapeutic as it sounds, but it wasn’t. I just got drunk and sad. I went out for only the second time in nearly a month, and it didn’t go that well. I drank too much, got sad, took a cab to Al’s bar because I didn’t want to go home alone and decided to play bartender for all the LSU fans that were in town. People kept ordering Vegas Bombs, and though I had probably taken 5 over the course of Friday night, and I was a bartender in college, I had not a clue how to make one. Sorry to those of you whose bombs I forgot to put Red Bull in. Gross. I now know why I only made it one semester of bartending in college. At least it gave me some distraction to being all bummed out. I’m just going to put it out there that on top of dealing and not dealing with all of the grief and loss, I’m also totally heartbroken over someone. So, I feel like it’s a little much to handle. So I waiver between health kicks where I drink green juice and exercise and at least work on the outside…to completely forgetting to take care of myself. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I barely get out bed.
Now, after having to go to the hospital today for the second time in a month (this time for severe bronchitis), I think it’s time to check out of the social scene for a bit and figure out how to start a new chapter for myself. I’ve been trying to have fun and not be mopey since that is what I want to do. It’s not working. Life is for the living after all, so I need to figure out how to live. I’m going to take some improv classes, and buy a canvas to paint a picture. That’s all I got for now, so if you have any ideas, I’m open. I prefer creative things, since that inspires me. Athletic is good too. I just don’t feel like I’m capable of being responsible for coaching kids right now. I can’t even walk my dog some days.
Enough of the sad talk, that’s just some context as to where I’m at mentally/physically. I think some new hobbies will lead to new memories and maybe a discovery of something that excites me. I need to feel like I have a purpose and when I start feeling so lost in the wake of such great loss, I can’t find the way up. Don’t tell me to read some self help book either. I am not open to traditional methods of soul searching. I read plenty. Like the labels on my prescriptions. Okay, don’t get worried, I just know that I need a creative change and Martha Stewart is not my kind of mentor. Bartending is also not my calling, but seeing Al was comforting. I like having those few people in my life that understand how I’m feeling without words even being exchanged. I think my facial expressions and demeanor just scream all sorts of heartache on many levels, but there are those people in your life that just get it. As an only child, those people are akin to actual kin. Siblings I’ve never had. I do sometimes think that distraction is a great way to avoid grieving, not that it’s the healthiest method, but it sure beats crying and not getting out of bed. If I follow my coworkers paths, I need a bar, a house, a relationship or a baby. Don’t think any of those things are in my near future so…what else? A brand new blue designer purse? That didn’t help either. Maybe I’ll get into this whole celebrity gossip thing people always talk about. Wait, looks like I already do that. What takes minimal effort and gets great results. I basically want the equivalent of a diet miracle pill. Take this and the grief and debilitating heartbreak will disappear.