I know I’ve become one of those people that always talk about her dog, but I don’t have a whole lot of social interaction, so that’s where many of my semi-interesting stories begin. I am starting to feel very guilty because I just don’t have the time to give him the kind of attention that I used to. I suppose I could just start spending extra money on a dog walker to give him 30 minutes of love per day, because I think I hardly give him that. How will I ever have children? I can barely take care of a dog. He has been having these extreme asthma attacks and every vet visit costs me a week of dinner, so I’ve just stopped taking him. They have never done anything anyways besides giving him doggie vicodin and human benadryl, so that’s the protocol for now. Does doggie vicodin work on humans? Just wondering. Maximus is like having a husband that works all day and I am the wife with the night shift. He sleeps from about 8 p.m. to 8 a.m., pees, then sleeps until I get home at 1. Of course by that time, all I want to do is go back to bed for a couple hours then go to the gym and he is ready to get it on. Not like that, but you know what I mean.

The weekends have been great, especially since I haven’t been going out, because I get to take him to the dog park. Still haven’t met a hottie other than the one with the ugliest dog I’ve ever seen, so he’s out. Now I can’t even go back to the same dog park-my favorite dog park-because of an altercation my dog and I got into. I was at the park with a girlfriend having some coffee and we had been there for at least an hour. A woman comes in with her doberman looking puppy and of course all the dogs run over to greet/smell the new arrival. The park is packed just as an aside, which matters in about 3 sentences. You know how dogs sometimes get into little scuffles, especially when they are trying to be alpha male? Any dog owner knows that sometimes dog fight. Play fights turn into real fights and the owners break it up. This day was no different. Maximus started playing with this doberman puppy who is about his size and my dog doesn’t like puppies. I don’t know why, but he doesn’t. He likes everyone and every dog, just not puppies and not other pugs. We are working on his self-racism. This dog tries to get under Maximus with his nose, and Maximus spins around and does the rarrr, get away from me lunge. I start walking in his direction so I can break it up in case it gets ugly, and just as I start to get close, this black roots, blonde hair porky woman smoking a cig yells at the top of her lungs, “YOU BETTER COME OVE HERE AND GET YOUR F*#%ING DOG AWAY FROM MINE. HE’S JUST A F*#%ING PUPPY DAMMIT.” Whoa lady! It stopped me dead in my tracks and the whole park went quiet. Even the dogs stopped. I grabbed my dog and said directly to her, “Whoa, it’s ok, I don’t think there’s any need for that kind of reaction.” Now, if you know me, that is shockingly calm and mature for me. The dog park is like Disney World. It’s one of the happiest places on earth. This one even has a white picket fence. Clearly her dog wasn’t neutered or something and regardless, it’s a dog park! This is what dogs do! Don’t bring your puppy to the dog park.

As I was walking back to the bench where my friend was sitting, this lady had the nerve to scream and swear at me again. It was hands down the most psychotic thing I’ve ever seen-besides the time I got strangled outside of 7/11. This Gap-toothed, Gap sweatshirt wearing woman goes, “IF YOU CAN’T KEEP YOU DOG UNDER CONTROL, GET THE F*$% OUT OF HERE”. The thing is, I was holding him. And have you seen his face? He’s a pug. He looks like he ran into a wall. He can’t bite or attack a Doberman. I can be the bigger person once, but that was it. I yelled back, “Look lady, I took care of my dog and there’s no need to go be all white trash ghetto about it”. Rude and condescending I know. But I am not going to get beat verbally by some trailer trash at the dog park. People of course started trickling out, which means they were freaked as well. Shocking behavior. I almost said alot of mean things, but apparently I am just a dog park punching bag. I shoulda screamed, “I’ll get my dog if you get your roots done.” Shoutout to all the single parent dog owners. It’s hard out there.