Why has this rather obvious statement taken me so long to comprehend? To sum up the backstory quickly (for those of you that don’t know me-how dare you;), I wasn’t a girl until about the year 2000. Yes, I had girl parts but I was a hardcore “all day I dream about soccer…and running, and basketball, and golf, and diving. Actually diving only lasted for two practices. Anyways, I was the type listening to Weezer and Green Day while molding my boy shinguards in boiling water and shopping for me consisted of the newest adidas kicks. Once I got that first eyebrow wax, full girl mode came on. That’s when I got expensive. What’s bizarre is that I’m back in that tomboy mode, yet still high maintenance in the beauty regimen department. I drink a protein shake in a cup that says bodybuilder.com while putting on my Tom Ford bronzer. Last week was a wakeup call for me. I broke 3 tie dye gel nails that took 2 hours to do while I was lesi-ing out at the gym throwing a 20 pound medicine ball. Now I am wearing a maxi dress with a slit, 2 actually, all the way to the crotch region…with an icy hot patch. MMMM sexy.
To keep the dichotomy going, I went to Target after I went to the gym. I felt the need to get my girl on and get the things I hate the most. Cleaning supplies, detergent, dryer sheets, paper towels and the dreaded toilet paper purchase. What is it about having to buy toilet paper? I feel like buying tampons is less awkward. Of course I always go with the largest and softest pack. I think I spent 5 minutes trying to hide the 36 roll pack in the cart. I know, not possible. There is no hiding that. It’s more like screaming, “Hey! Look at me! I need a TON of toilet paper because I go to the bathroom a TON.” Holland and I always talk about the toilet paper predicament. Everyone goes to the bathroom and I am not easily embarrassed, so why do I have such a hard time buying this? It’s not like I’m buying some kind of wart cream. There are far worse things to buy, it’s just so big and blatant. Can you order toilet paper online? We need a site for all the things you don’t want to buy in public. As if the bathroom items aren’t bad enough, then I was on the sporting goods aisle to buy, wait for it, a softball. No, I’m not getting into intramural sports again. You couldn’t pay me to do that after that bloody co-ed indoor soccer debacle. I heard from a sprinter that rolling around the ground on a softball will alleviate my shin splints and all the other pain because of my inflexibility. I need to get it together. I am sitting down in a chair writing this and I feel like I’m stretching. Me standing upright is stretching. So hot.