Emma Kelly went to her grandparents this weekend, which meant I had the long, drawn-out Labor Day weekend all to myself! Well, except for that wedding rehearsal dinner Friday night, the bridal brunch Sunday morning and the Sunday night wedding…..But other than THAT, I was free to live it up! And when I say I lived it up, I mean that I slept. A lot.

This new TV stuff has been overwhelming me just a teeny-tiny bit, and the only way I could figure out how to deal with it was to set my alarm clock for 2am. But I’m not gonna lie….I hit snooze a couple of times and managed to get up at 2:20. And since I never can figure out how to take a nap during the week, by the time Friday rolled around, my body was humming. So after an early evening Friday, I hit the bed and didn’t get up until 10 hours later when I had to get an emergency spray tan. Let’s face it…for me, every spray tan is an emergency. I can’t allow the glow from my never-been-kissed-by-sunlight legs to cause discomfort to those around me. So to save my friend’s wedding guests from visual dismay, I booked that emergency spray tan. And then I went home and went back to bed.

The rehearsal dinner was…….awkward. I didn’t really belong there. I didn’t know anybody. I saw a 5-year-old bored out of her mind and pouting, so I latched on to her. I thought we were having a real connection, too, but she ditched me the first chance she got. Then after dinner, I spent the majority of my time making exasperated faces at the table sitting next to me because they were talking so loud I couldn’t hear any of the toasts. Ugh. I finally gave up and sneaked out the kitchen exit.

I got up the next morning to host the bridal brunch, went back home and crawled into bed for a 2-hour nap. I KNOW!! I told you — I slept my weekend away! But after the nap, I was back up to get ready for the wedding, all black tie and fancy like that. It was then that I realized my emergency spray tan extended to the palms of my hands but not to the backs of my arms, aka batwings. Oh well! I just had to hope the rest of me was dazzling enough to distract from my spray tan fails. Either it did or everyone was too polite to mention it. But the bride was beautiful…the wedding was sweet…the dinner was fabulous…I jiggled my flat booty and untanned batwings sufficiently enough on the dance floor to be considered a good wedding guest and not a party pooper…and then I went home and got back in bed.

I spent my Labor Day laboring over toilets, floors and laundry. And as I stand back now and look at the fruits of my labor, I realize that I’m really terrible at this stuff. I just need to hire a maid and go back to bed. And after I get my kid out of the bath, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Well, the going to bed part. I’m probably not hiring a maid.