Looking back over the past couple weeks, I keep saying to myself, “Isn’t it ironic…” But then I wonder if Kidd would be mad at me for using the word “ironic” because one of his pet peeves was people calling something ironic when he believed it was nothing more than a coincidence. That’s why he was completely annoyed by that Alanis Morissette song because, he said, the only truly ironic lyric in that whole song is, “It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.” He had a point.

But isn’t it ironic that his last Monday on the air, he decided that we should all take a day to do our deathbed confessions. He’d go first. I wish I hadn’t been so flippant when he was telling me how much he loved me and that he’d miss me the most. I try not to beat myself up too much about it because nobody knew what was coming and the whole premise of the bit was to be funny. But I still feel like a jerk.

kiddd_kellie-LA2And even though I’m convinced he didn’t know what was coming, it still feels like he was trying to cram every single thing he loved into his last 24 hours on earth. He shot craps. He partied on Bourbon Street. He did a bit. He even wore white pants and — miraculously — he kept them clean! The next morning, we all headed to a charity event benefitting the charity he founded and loved, Kidd’s Kids. And the absolute very last thing that man did on this earth was hit a couple of golf balls. How much more perfect could he have lived his final day?

Of course, there are things I wish I would’ve done differently that day. There are things I wish I would’ve said. But if I told Kidd how much I love him each and every time he left my line of sight, people would’ve started to question either the nature of our relationship or my sanity.

So I make myself feel better by remembering the last truly heartfelt conversation we had. It was about six months ago. I was long overdue for an epic meltdown and I had a very grand one, I must admit. But Kidd just laughed at me for being paranoid. And then he got all soft and reassured me how much he loved me…he told me how talented I was and said that the day I left him would be his last day on the air. How much did I love that man for that? I told Kidd that I should schedule a meltdown every six months so we could have more conversations like that. But here we are. I was just about to schedule that meltdown when he up and died on me.

On Saturday, I was talking with some friends and Emma Kelly was in the room. Just so you know, my child has mastered the art of acting like she’s not paying attention while actually hearing each and every word that is said. Someone in the middle of the conversation, one of us said, “I wish Kidd could’ve seen that.” And Emma Kelly piped up, “He did see it. He’s in Heaven and he can see everything.” The kid has a point.

So if Kidd can see everything, then I’m picturing him peeking over my shoulder as I type this — Thank you for everything, Kidd Kraddick. I love you.