I’m thinking about filing a class action lawsuit, even if I don’t know exactly how to go about doing that. But this was blatant false advertisement! And I fell for it!! And even though I only paid, like, $4 for this thing, I’ve suffered enough olfactory and emotional distress, I could probably sue for millions and WIN, dammit.

I really believed that random people pulled off the street, blindfolded and led into a garbage dumpster where they’re surrounded by remnants of rotted food, rat droppings and vomit were actually inhaling clean whiffs of lavender and vanilla! And it was all thanks to that little plastic vial plugged into the corner.

If one little liquid-filled plug-in can wipe out the smell of garbage and fecal matter, certainly it could take on a small patch of carpet favored by our brand new and not 100% housebroken puppy, Phoebe. Everybody keeps telling me, “At least it’s not cat pee!” No, it’s not cat pee. But it’s still PEE. And I’ve spot cleaned it and steam cleaned it and professionally cleaned it and whenever I open the door, I’m slapped in the face by the thick smell of puppy pee.

But then there’s the power of advertising! I went to the store and bought a little vial of liquid lavender and vanilla and — full of newfound hope — I drove straight home, got down on my hands and knees and put that little plug-in right down there at the source of the problem.lavIt was mere inches away from that offending patch of pee carpet. I stood up and inhaled. And I smelled pee. But I was still optimistic! Maybe it takes a few minutes for the powers of lavender to overwhelm the powers of pee? So I left the room. And then I came back. I was still offended. So maybe it takes hours? So I went to bed. The next day? I didn’t wake up to fields of lavender. I woke up to a carpet of pee!! They LIED.

And now when my friends come over, I ask with some hesitation, “Do you smell pee?” They say they can’t. They’re LYING. So they can’t be part of my class action lawsuit.