Watching “Bridezillas” because it’s literally part of my job to do so, questioning where my life is going when part of my job requirement is watching an episode of “Bridezillas.”

I haven’t blogged lately for several reasons, one of them being that I’m the worst time manager EVER. I’ve been averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night, so you’d think with 20 hours a day to get things done I’d actually get things done. I keep having these come-to-Jesus meetings with myself but apparently they’re not doing any good.

There’s actually so much going on that I can’t talk about right now, but one day I’ll write a no-holds-barred autobiography that will end up languishing in the bargain bin of Half-Price Books, so be on the lookout for it. In the meantime….

This time a year ago, Emma Kelly and I were asked to walk in a fashion show benefiting teens with eating disorders. EK was all for it until the day of the show. She poked her lips out and pouted a full hour before showtime and every model, makeup artist and passerby did their darnedest to make that kid smile and play ball. And what did EK learn from all this? “If I act like a brat, I get ATTENTION!!” But still, I begged and pleaded with her, “Please stop embarrassing mommy…please be a good girl…please stop acting like a brat…” It was no use. But I figured that SURELY once when we walked out on that stage, the brat would melt away and I’d be left with a little bucket of sunshine wrapped in a cute dress. Wrong. I took EK by the hand and walked out onto that stage, and she immediately pulled away from me, crossed her arms, tucked them up under her chin and just stood there. So I stood there with her grinning like an idiot for a couple of beats. Then I figured that if I go, she’ll follow. Right? RIGHT??? Wrong. I walked about ten or fifteen feet away and looked back over my shoulder, but there she stood, firmly planted right where I left her. So I went back, hoisted her up, and I ended up carrying a 40-pound sack of sadness around the runway. Half the audience laughed. Half of them felt sorry for me. But all of them realized that I was a bad mother with zero control over my daughter.

Fast forward to this year. I asked EK if she wanted to be a model. She said no. HALLELUJAH! But then I made the mistake of taking her with me and her sister Kamryn for our fittings and EK suddenly realized she wasn’t the center of attention. She started acting out, whining about when it would be her turn because she wanted to be a model, too. But I looked over at the model coordinator’s eyes and sensed her silent horror. When Kamryn and I were both set for outfits, she literally ran away before I dare suggested we let EK model again this year. So I was left to deal with a lot of weeping and wailing and crying and carrying on that lasted all the way to her father’s house the next night. He finally called me in a state of exasperation because she simply wouldn’t stop bawling, so I got on the phone and told her if she was a really good girl on the morning of the fashion show, we’d put her in her prettiest dress and fix her hair and I would make sure she modeled. (Another Mommy of the Year moment:  giving in when your kid cries long and hard enough. How have I not won this thing already??)

Emma Kelly stopped crying for a moment. I dared to ask, “Is that okay?” And then she wailed, “But I’m scared!” And there she went again. UGH!!!!!

Long story, short — EK sat in the audience with Auntie Crazy who bribed her with an American Girl doll if she behaved herself. It worked. And now Emma Kelly is now the proud owner of an American Girl doll she named Emma Kelly Rasberry. She’s especially excited about all of the accessories that are available for Emma Kelly Rasberry and she’s even put in a request for a bed and a car. And I can already feel the money being sucked from my wallet for years to come. Thanks, Auntie Crazy!